08 January 2009

Remembering and Honoring

Here is my beautiful mom on her wedding day.  These past couple of months, while being some of the happiest of my life, have also been some of the most difficult for me.  I always miss her - always.  But honestly, in the seven years she's been gone, I don't think I've ever ached for her more than I have since my engagement.  It's been extremely difficult for me knowing that she won't be there in the flesh on the happiest day of my life and it's just as difficult knowing that she wanted to be there on this day and can't be.  She used to talk about me getting married more than I did - it's only in the past year or two that I've really been thinking about it myself.

And yet, I've found solace.  I have been carrying on not only her memory but also my grandmother's since the day I was engaged.  The diamond in my ring was my grandmother's and was then passed down to my mom and was then passed down to me.  It's been sitting in a drawer for years and now it's seeing the light again!  That makes me really happy.  My grandma's ring meant the world to my mom. She wore it all the time and it was the one and only thing that I knew she wanted me to have when she died - she reminded me constantly that one day it would be mine. It makes me really proud that I will wear it for the rest of my life and carry on their memories.

It is also helpful to know that my mom would have approved of Jason as my choice in a husband.  Jason and I have known each other long enough (since I was 14 - see the story here) that my mom actually got to meet him (although he doesn't remember her because I'm not entirely sure they were ever even formally introduced), which is lucky because not many of my friends got to meet her.  I fell for Jason pretty much right when I met him, so for the last year and a half (or so) of her life, my mom listened to me talk on and on (and on...) about him.  He was my high school crush - and I never really stopped crushing on him until we started dating in my sophomore year of college!  She liked what she heard.  This much I know is true.

Grandma, cousin Laura (baby), Mom

Our wedding date also holds significance - significance which is even MORE significant because we didn't even know it until after we set the date. My cousin, Laura, who was named after my mom (Laurie), was born on October 25th.  I had no idea. When my aunt Elaine told me I cried. She said of the significance: "I think this is more than we can know. Your mother is with us always and still, and this is just one more "brick in the wall" that cements that for me." Cool, right? That made me really, really happy to learn that.

I also have my mom's wedding dress. It wasn't preserved so it's not in the best condition, but I've always held onto it and have always thought it was beautiful.  I've thought about using it. I would wear it if it fit me and if it was in good condition, but it doesn't and isn't.  My aunt Karen (her sister, not Allison's) suggested I use the material to make a garter or to wrap my flowers with.  I'm not sure I can bring myself to cut it up.  And yet, if I don't, what will become of the dress?  Allison offered her dress to me as well - she said she'd be happy to have it cut up and made into a dress that would fit me and be a style I like - so it makes me think that maybe it's not the end of the world if I cut up my mom's dress. But I hesitated with Allison's offer too! Her dress is perfectly preserved and could stay that way forever if she wanted it to! It just seems so crazy to cut something up that meant so much to a person at one time. Then again, I would probably hope that my daughter (if I ever have one) would want to cut up my dress to use it too.  So, maybe I'll incorporate both dresses.... I just don't know!

In planning news - we are rescheduling our tasting this weekend. It is supposed to snow up there in Thurmont, so it's probably safer for us to wait until a later time because the roads to get there are unpaved, windy, and up-hill! Not to mention poor Jason has the stomach flu! He is sure he'll be better by Saturday, but with my luck I will probably catch it and I would be sick! So, we're waiting. We may do it later in January or we may just wait until spring!